Late Night Contemplations [locked to Di and Elliot] - The Man of 10,000 Lives
|Mar. 24th, 2006 05:53 am Late Night Contemplations [locked to Di and Elliot]|
I've had some real trouble lately. Bad even for me. Staying up late on a regular basis is nothing new; in fact, I do it frequently when I'm busily working on something. What's different is that I can't sleep. And I can't sleep because I can't stop myself from thinking about Jos and the situation she's gotten herself into.
Meditation isn't working nor is the medication that was working a few months ago. I try wrapping my mind around Jos's actions, and while I understand why she did what she did, I don't know what possessed her to do it without telling us what she was doing. Unless her need to recover, to gain back what she had lost the only way she could--I mean, not even the Tok'ra healing device was working. I can see Jos going to great extremes to get what she lost, if the right means were presented to her, and that's what we have here.
I don't know, I just thought things would be different here. I never thought she would cause security issues (because if I did, she wouldn't have gotten into the SGC, now would she? Yeah, that was rhetorical). Never thought that she would abandon us to the Goa'uld.
But does she constitute what she did as abandonment? Probably not. She sees it as insuring survival of self. I can relate with that: any means necessary for the self to survive. Without the mental self whole, the person is fractured, typically suffering from some kind of debilitating mental problem that has developed due to the loss. Acting irrationally is a symptom of this. Which Jos definitely did (Di--I know you don't want to be a part of this so much, but I need to talk to you more about your time in England with Jos). Maybe...maybe she can plead temporary insanity. That would be a smirch to her record (but what else does she have to lose, really?), a psychological exam with monthly followups, and a bump from the program but...what other options does she have? Plea bargaining may just work too.
I'm also afraid that my thinking her guilty for what she's been charged with will hurt her. So I'm back to the beginning: Should I defend her or should someone else, someone who isn't so invested? But then I rethink, and yes, I did make the right choice.
Is it bad that I cannot wait until all of this is over so I can actually SLEEP again?
Current Mood: distressed5 comments - Leave a comment
Current Music: Enya...she usually calms the nerves. Usually
My first thought is 'do I have to?'. But I'm going to have to go back over it once already, for the inquest at least if not for the pre-inquest investigation. Once more for you won't kill me, so whenever is a good time for you, love.
Now that I've been conciliatory, it's time for me to be ferociously protective again (blame it on my temper). Why didn't you tell me you couldn't sleep? There are several things we can try, and I'm quite certain Elliot knows more if those don't work. So you can expect me and Houdini at your door and we sha'nt be leaving for a while.
Whether she's actually guilty or not, I didn't see anyone else stepping forward and volunteering to defend her. So, much as I hate to say it, you did make the right choice. No matter that it's completely ruining your sleep. And no, it's not bad of you to want it to be over already.
Now stop working yourself up and let me start trying to relax you already, hmm?
Thank you. I'm still building up to that talk.
I didn't tell you because I didn't want to hear from you about getting me help for that. I knew it would work itself out in a little bit of time, but likely be completely gone once the stress from what has been going on as of late is allievated.
While you're welcome any time, I'd prefer your company to not be forced. You have things to do too, in addition to being with me.
No...she really was out of options. And I couldn't let that happen. Okay. I just feel somewhat guilty for that. Selfish.
*laughs* I'm glad it can be that easy.
Like I said. Whenever you're up to it is when we'll have that talk.
Oh Danny, when are you going to learn that there are some burdens that not only can be shared but should? So since you know better than to argue too long with me, I can either pack a bag or you can. Besides, I can multi-task with the best of them, and I know you can too. *impish grin*
Selfish is human nature. But you're a good man for not giving in and continuing to fight for her.
*kisses and laughs* I always did like to boil things down to the easiest parts.
The decision is never an easy one to make. On one hand you wish to defend a friend and colleague and on the other, you're not too sure about her innocence any longer. The correct decision is always the one that is made when one takes the time to step back and find in their heart what it is they feel they must ultimately do. It's not always the popular decision nor is is always looked upon by others as the right one, but it's the one you know that you will be able to live with when you look back on what has happened. In your case, you know the decision you made to be the right one.
It's hard not to invest so much into this that it wrecks havoc upon a sleeping cycle. There are a few things one can say and try to suggest that might or might not work, a clear mind always helps but it involves on letting one relax themselves enough that they can let go of everything that is bothering them, even if it is just for the night.
It's not quite her innocence I'm questioning, but something more crucial to me: I'm questioning whether I knew her as well as I thought I did. So innocence has nothing to do with that, yet.
Then what I've decided is it: I have to defend her. I cannot turn away from her. And you're right, that is far from the popular decision.
Diane has been helping me with relaxing. She's excellent at deflecting my consideration onto a new subject. And I always fall for it. I know what she's going to do, and she always does what she sets out to do.
A few weeks from now, Elliot, I think I will be better.